


Blue Cheese

by Casei_Solus



Series: Fresh Milk [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alpha Dean, Alpha Dean Winchester, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Anorexia, Body Image, Cow Castiel, Cowboys & Cowgirls, M/M, Masturbation, Omega Castiel, Omega Castiel/Alpha Dean Winchester, Phone Sex, Self-Hatred, Wolf Dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-01
Updated: 2018-02-01
Packaged: 2019-03-12 03:06:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13538370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Casei_Solus/pseuds/Casei_Solus
Summary: After the events of Cupcake Ice Cream, Dean and Castiel try to deal with what they know about each other, and try to make the best of the situation.





	Blue Cheese

Dean drove Castiel home in awkward silence. It seems them neither of them knew what to say after everything that had happened. When they arrived, Castiel’s mother was still at work, so Dean invited himself in, getting on his laptop. He wanted to make sure his Cow was alright.

Cas, however, was changing in his bedroom, overcome with emotions.

_He **saw** me. _

Dean had seen him, had seen his body - seen his tits. Dean _knows_.

_Knows that you’re not normal. That you’re a freak._

Dean had been so kind about it, though... but he was probably just being nice. Dean _is_ so good to him, so patient, so understanding.

_And one day that patience is going to run out._

Then he’ll leave.

Cas clutched a fresh tee to his newly-rebound chest, trying not to panic, trying not to delve too deep into his thoughts, where the dark worm lived. The worm that knew all his dirty secrets. Knew him for who he really was, _what_ he really was.

_God, for a minute there you let yourself think he’d stay with you forever, didn’t you?_

Castiel calmed his breathing, grabbing his tail for comfort. He took a few long breaths, trying to dress himself, to calmly redo his hair, to check if it looked like he’d been crying.

_Don’t want to burden him with any more of **your** problems._

Cas took a moment to compose himself before he opened the door of his bedroom, donning a neutral expression as he strode down the hallway to find Dean in one of the armchairs, perusing some shopping site.

Dean’s ears flicked towards him a second before his head did, smiling widely. “Hey, I need your help with something,” he said, standing up and walking over to him. “So, I was thinking, you probably don’t want to be in that position again, without a pumpy thing, y’know?”

Cas bit his lip and fought a red burn of shame across his cheeks.

“So, I thought, what if I get a pumpy thing to keep in the Impala, so, like, if you needed it, we’d have one around!”

_I really don’t want to talk about this._

“Um,” Cas said, wishing desperately that Dean would just forget everything. “I mean, I guess, yeah,” Cas said, searching for a subject to switch to.

“So, I’m gonna need you to tell me your size!”

“Size…?”

“Yeah, all of them have options for, like, 24mm, 26mm and stuff.”

Cas ducked his head. “I… I don’t know what that means,” he said. “I’ve always just used the same one since I was young.”

“No, no, it’s all cool, I’ll just get one with a selection,” he said, still gazing intently at the computer.

“But what about privacy? I don’t want… people to see me.”

“We’ll find a place, don’t worry. And not some nasty gas station bathroom, either, promise. Only the best for my Cas!” he said, shining his big, charming grin at him. “Question.”

“...What?”

“Why do all of these come with weird spray bottle things?”

“What?!”

Dean quickly turned the computer to show him. There was all sorts of breast pump imagery, talking all about milk as a beautiful natural gift, how comfortable or efficient the pumps were…

Cas hated it. 

“Um,” Cas said, taking a breath before looking over at the image Dean was referring to. “Those aren’t spray bottles, that’s where the milk goes.”

“What? So those, like, are in the machine and fill up?”

Cas clenched his fists, trying not to let on his discomfort. “No the- the big end, those go on the…” he said, motioning around his chest, “and... the milk goes right into the bottles.”

“Wait… so the milk doesn’t go in the machine?” Dean asked, a confused look on his face. Suddenly, his expression changed. “Cas, what’s wrong? Are you okay?”

“Um,” Cas said, grabbing his tail and looking over at the wall. “I just…” he said, trying to think of how best to evade the question. “It’s been a long day.”

Dean’s demeanor softened. “Oh, honey,” Dean said, putting the laptop aside and taking Cas up in a big hug. “I understand, it’s okay.”

Cas wrapped his arms around the Wolf, his embrace so warm and comforting, so relaxing, his scent so sweet. He couldn’t help but take a deep breath of it, savoring the feel of Dean softly kissing the top of his head.

“Do you want me to go and leave you alone?” He asked, softly.

_Never._

“N-no.” _I don’t want to be all alone again._ “I just… don’t like talking about pumps and… pumping. I hate pumping.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, sweetheart,” he said, lifting a hand to softly massage the back of Cas’s head and behind his velvet ears. “Is there anything you can do while pumping to take your mind off of it? Play a game or-”

“I can’t do _anything_ while I’m pumping Dean,” Cas snapped. Dean went still, and the Cow’s heart sank. 

_No, no, no…_

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry, I-” he said, gripping Dean harder and taking another breath. “I have to hold the bottle parts on the whole time.”

“They whole time?!” Dean said, leaning back to look at him, but Cas’s head was still pressed against Dean’s chest. “So the fuckers don’t even suction on?!”

Cas shook his head.

“Wow, that _sucks._ ”

Castiel gripped him harder. 

“Is there a way around that, though, like-”

“Can we- Can we not talk about this right now, please?” Cas said, softly.

“Oh, sweetheart, of course, of course,” he said, rubbing his Cow’s back soothingly.

 _He’s so patient with you. So much better than you deserve_.

Dean’s mind raced with a way to make Cas feel better; it was clear by his scent and body language that Cas was anxious and upset. There was nothing he wanted more than to make Cas feel better, than to take care of him, than to…

Suddenly, he remembered the dressing room, seeing Cas and how skinny he was.

_I have to feed him._

“Hey, it’s about dinnertime, how about I take you out to a nice dinner and we can forget all this, okay?”

Cas’s hands clenched Dean’s jacket.

_I’ve already eaten so much today._

“I…” Cas said, swallowing a dry lump in his throat.

“C’mon, I know a nice place, with good food and nice atmosphere. You’ll love it!”

_I have to feed him._

“Um,” Cas said, licking his lips as he pondered, working out a plan. “Okay,” he said, putting on a smile and looking up at the Wolf.

Dean gave him a warm smile right back. But, inwardly, he was worried.

Something was still wrong with him. And the Wolf could hardly bear it.

But he _had_ to make Cas feel better. He had to. Some nice food should do the trick, it always cheered Dean up!

And, oh, he wanted Cas to be so happy.

_My sweet little Cow deserves the world._

___________________

Dean drove Cas to a little restaurant about twenty minutes away, Cas doing his best to look casual in the passenger’s seat. Dean was being so nice and sweet to him, even though he knew he didn’t deserve it, so he didn’t want to be any more of a burden on him. Dean was buying him dinner. That’s a _nice_ thing. Cas owed him _so much_.

_So why are you so anxious?_

Cas walked as confidently as he could into the restaurant, and, it being unfamiliar to him, he reached for the paper kids menu in the slot. He had to at least pretend to want to eat something, even though he’d eaten too much already. The kids menu contained the usual fare, chicken fingers, macaroni and cheese, a plain burger, a-

“Cas, you _always_ get the kids menu, how about you try the regular one this time?”

Cas blinked up at him. “I… I can’t eat a whole adult meal.”

“That’s okay, if you can’t eat it all, we’ll box it and you can eat it as leftovers!”

“You can warm over that kinda stuff?”

“Oh, yeah!” Dean said with a grin. “This is a steakhouse: steak is very warm-over-able.”

“It is?”

“Yeah!” Dean said, handing him the heavier, larger, more professional dinner menu. “I know all the reheating tricks, I’ll tell you exactly how to do it!”

Cas bit his lip. “Dean, I don’t know, it would be cheaper if I-”

“Cheaper shmeaper. You’ve had a rough day, you deserve a nice thick juicy steak.” 

Cas went silent. The plan was to pretend to not be hungry, not order anything, just maybe eat a couple bites off of Dean’s plate so as to not waste food or money. 

Thatplan was rapidly falling apart.

“...Okay,” Cas said, opening the big, imposing menu with what felt like hundreds of items on it, sipping on his typical drink order of ice water. 

_Stick to the plan. Peruse a bit, say you’re not hungry, then just eat a bite or two off Dean’s plate. Stick to the plan._

Still, reading all these entries, the descriptions they gave of him, just made his stomach _ache._ It was a constant thing, these hunger pangs, but he was usually so good at ignoring them.

_Oh… that one sounds so good…_

“You folks ready to order?” A cheery server asked.

“You ready, babe?” Dean asked.

“Um…”

_You can order something, eat a bit, and save the rest, like Dean says. You can still stick to the plan._

“This, uh, steak with blue cheese garlic butter, please,” he said, shyly. “Um, medium.”

“Okay, that comes with a roll, and you get one side with that.”

“A side? Oh…” he asked, scrambling to find the ‘sides’ section. “Um…” he said, blushing with embarrassment. “I don’t know what to get.”

“That’s okay, honey!” Dean said, reaching over to softly grab his hand, rubbing it with his thumb. “Do you need her to wait?”

“No, um,” Cas said, comforted by Dean’s touch. “What do you think I should get?”

“How about mashed potatoes? Those taste great, and they warm over just fine!”

Cas nodded at the suggestion. 

“You want any appetizers, soup, salad…?”

Cas shook his head. 

“Okay!” she said, turning to Dean to take his order before walking off.

The Wolf could tell something was still wrong with Cas, and it made his chest ache. During the wait for the food, he tried to talk to him about calming things, or cheerful things - anything to take his mind off of whatever was bothering him. One of Dean’s terrible puns even got a real giggle.

God, whenever Cas smiled it just warmed his heart. He only wished Cas genuinely smiled more often.

“Here you go!” he heard from beside them, and he turned to the server and grinned as first Cas’s plate was set, and then his own monstrosity of an entrée- a messy mix of fries, cheese, fried onion strings, chives, and - the star player - chunks of beautifully cooked steak. Rare, of course.

He didn’t grab his fork and knife, however - instead looking up to watch his sweet Cow. Cas was staring at his slab of steak, cooked beautifully, drizzled with garlic butter and sprinkled with bits of rich blue cheese. It was like Cas was in awe of the piece of culinary art before him, as if he couldn’t believe it was his.

“You first, darlin’.”

Cas broke from his revery, blinking in confusion.

Dean gestured at Cas’s plate. “You get first taste.”

“Oh! Right,” Cas said.

_I have to make him happy. I have to be grateful._

_I owe him so much._

The Cow grabbed his utensils and quickly carved out a small piece, pricking it with his fork before lifting it up to his mouth. His glanced flicked up at Dean for a moment before gingerly taking a bite. As he chewed, his eyes closed, letting out an involuntary “Mmmmmmm…”

Dean grinned, heart warmed at the sight of seeing his beloved eat. 

_He really needs to eat._

Fighting off memories of Cas’s bone-thin body, Dean dug into his own messy meal. It was _delicious_. 

“Hey, Dean?”

“Yeah, Cas?” Dean said, mouth still full of food.

“Why do you always let me go first?”

“Huh?”

“You always let me go first, eat things first, choose things first, that sorta thing.”

“Oh,” Dean said, swallowing. “It’s just, uh,” Dean fought off a blush, “it’s kinda a Wolf thing. ‘Omegas always come first’ kinda thing.”

Cas tilted his head. “Why?”

“Um,” Dean said, getting flustered. 

_Because I love you, Cas._

“Because Omegas are, like… valuable and stuff, and we’re supposed to, like… treat them right to be worthy of… them.”

Cas cocked an eyebrow.

“If you don’t like it I’ll stop!”

“No, no, it’s alright,” Cas said with a small smile. _Silly, sweet, adorable Wolf_.

Dean gave him a lopsided grin, stuffing some more food in his mouth in an attempt to end the conversation. As he did, though, he kept a watchful eye on his Omega’s plate.

Cas carefully cut five small, equally-sized pieces of steak and separated about a couple bites worth of the potatoes, finally cutting his roll in half. At last, he started eating, chewing each bite for a long while as if to suck all the flavor out of them before swallowing.

_That’s all he’s going to eat._

Alarms went off in Dean’s head. But he wasn’t about to do or say anything until he was sure.

It didn’t take long at all for Cas’s designated rations to deplete, and, to Dean’s sorrow, Cas absently cut up the rest of the steak before pushing the plate away.

_Oh no._

Cas needed to eat. He needed to eat!

_Be calm, be cool._

“That all you gonna eat for dinner, sweetheart?”

Cas looked up at him with an indecipherable expression. “Yeah, I’m not that hungry. Gonna save the rest!” he said, mustering a smile.

“You barely ate anything today, are you sure?” Dean said, trying to choose his words carefully.

“Yeah,” he said, smiling before turning back to his twiddling fingers.

_He needs to eat!_

“At least eat a _couple_ more bites, while it’s nice and fresh!” he said injecting cheer in his voice.

Cas looked up at him, down at his plate, then back at him again. “Um…”

“For me? Please?” Dean said, unable to hide the emotion in his voice.

Cas bit his lip. “I don’t…” he swallowed. “I can’t.”

_What can I do? What can I do?_

Dean’s mind raced. Cas _needed_ to eat, poor thing was wasting away.

_I can’t **make** him eat…_

Then, Dean got an idea. An idea that painted his cheeks and neck with a pink flush. 

“Cas, I’m gonna try something. If you don’t like it, tell me and I won’t do it again, okay?”

Cas looked up at him, confused. “Okay…?”

Dean took a deep breath before looking up to meet Cas’s gaze. He let an unfamiliar but powerful feeling seep into his chest and throat, making his voice deeper, more commanding, a taste of it tingeing his eyes red. With a low rumble in his voice, he spoke, voice firm.

 **“Eat five more bites.”**

Cas gasped, looking up at him as his eyes ringed with yellow. He ducked his gaze submissively, looking over to the side.

_Oh no, oh no, oh no, what have you done? You can’t just go around using your Alpha voice! You mustn’t control him! What have you done?!_

Before Dean could apologize, though, Cas reached over, grabbed his fork, stabbed a piece, and held that piece to his mouth, taking a slow, sensuous bite as a deep blush bloomed on his cheeks. The air around them filled with the subtle scent of slick.

And Dean’s brain went on automatic.

“You’re so good, Cas. Thank you, Cas, you’re such a good boy,” he said, soothingly, as Cas shyly took two more bites of steak and potatoes both before demurely clasping his hands between his knees.

“You okay, Cas?” Dean asked, making sure that the whole maneuver hadn’t fucked with him.

Cas bit his lip and nodded, though on the inside he couldn’t help but be conflicted.

_You ate more._

_Because I wanted to. I **wanted** to obey him._

_But you can’t do that! He doesn’t understand! He doesn’t know what it’s like! You can’t just **do** things because Dean tells you to!_

_But… I **wanted** to. And I **liked** it._

_God, you are so pathetic._

_...I know._

___________________

Cas clutched his styrofoam box of leftovers on the ride home. It still smelled so good, and his stomach was clawing at him to eat more, but he’d already probably ruined tomorrow. No sense in fucking it up even worse.

He looked down at the box - a simple white one, like restaurants usually have. On the top, though, Dean had used the receipt pen to write instructions for how to reheat his food. Below it he’d written in bigger letters “Eat 3 more bites for me?”

He was so sweet. Sometimes it made Cas’s heart swell with warmth and love at how kind and sweet he was. 

_I don’t deserve him._

___________________

After dropping Cas off, Dean took stock of the day as he drove back to his own home. Poor Cas’d had such a rough day, and still seemed to be shaken by it, but at least he’d gotten Cas to eat a bit more. 

Small victories.

After all, he wasn’t going to make Cas happy and healthy again all in one day. All he could do was whatever would help him _now_ , until he could get his surgery.

_Oh! Speaking of which!_

After parking in his garage, Dean trotted into his room, carrying his laptop bag and plopping it on the table.

_“Breast pumps”_

For hours, Dean perused and read reviews of breast pumps, trying to figure out the best - no, the _perfect_ \- breast pump to keep in his Impala for his beloved.

It had to be comfortable, reliable, sturdy - so many to choose from. He didn’t even realize he’d stayed up into the wee hours of the night narrowing down his search. 

But, at last, he’d found it. It was perfect. Pragmatic, small, could take being in a trunk… and with an accessory he was sure Cas would like!

However, before he could purchase it, one of the “also purchased with” items caught his eye.

_Oh, I **knew** they must have made something for that!_

It was perfect!

But, before he bought it, he was gonna need some help.

___________________

“You look like shit, Dean,” Jo said with a grin. “What, you stay up late watching porn?”

“Shut up,” he said, fondly. Jo, a bobcat, was one of the best mechanics he knew, and a great coworker and friend. She worked here Mondays to Thursdays and at her mother’s theater/restaurant on weekends. She was almost always busy, and that’s how she liked it. He was fortunate to catch her today as she prepped for the tractor job. “Hey, I got a question.”

“You have five minutes,” she said, not looking up at him as she worked.

“Okay, ummm,” he said before blurting, “It’s about bra sizes.”

Jo froze. Slowly, she stood to her feet and leaned against a wall, a devilish grin spreading across her face. “... _Go on_.”

 _Well that’s unsettling._ “Okay, so, I want to buy some bras for Cas but I don’t know his size.”

“Then ask him.”

“I want it to be a surprise.”

“.... _Ask him_.”

“He doesn’t wear bras! I don’t know if he knows his size.”

“If he doesn’t wear bras why are you buying them?”

“They’re special bras!”

“Just say kinky bras.”

“Not kinky bras!”

“Whatever you say,” she said, grin only getting bigger.

Dean sighed. “Well, all the things like ask bra sizes in, like, letters... like batteries.”

“Uh-huh,” she said, amused.

“And like… I tried! Like… I looked up how much about a handful of, uh… _breast_ was but-”

He was cut off by a guffaw. “Dean you’re hopeless!”

His ears went back, unsure of what he’d done wrong.

“Okay, okay, okay,” she said, calming down. “Do you have any pics of him? Maybe I can guess from there. And _don’t_ show me any nudes I swear to _god-_ ”

“I’d never!”

“You’d better,” she said with a fond grin as she took his phone from him after he’d selected one. “Hmm. He looks pretty flat.”

“He’s wearing a binder.”

“A binder?! Then this isn’t gonna help at all!” she said, plopping his phone back in his hand. She sighed. “You got any other clues?”

“Um,” he said, trying to stifle a blush. “Well, they’re bigger than yours…”

She slapped him with a rag.

“Ow!” he yelped in surprise - it didn’t hurt.

“You deserved that.” He put his ears back again. She couldn’t help but take pity on him. “Hey, hey,” she said, softer. “How about you try a size B?”

“A ‘B’?”

“Uh-huh. You know the inches?”

“The what?”

“The inches around - the band size?”

“Oh, the band size! Um, no. I didn’t even know where to start guessing for that.”

“Hm,” she said, thoughtfully. “Well, he’s a skinny guy, so try a 36. If that doesn’t fit, you’ll have to trade them out.”

“Okay. Thank you, Jo.”

“Don’t mention it,” she said with a big grin as she grabbed her toolbox and made her way towards the broken tractor.

_B, 36 inches. Got it!_

As soon as he got a break for lunch, he jogged to his house to order the suggested size, clicking the “2 day shipping” option. Cas needed this ASAP!

___________________

Cas didn’t see Dean much the next couple days. It wasn’t unusual, they were both pretty busy, which was why days or dates together were so precious. Dean had his garage, and Cas had the bakery job. Dean did his out of love for the job, for the people, and Cas did his for the little money he was able to set aside for the surgery. Cas was thankful, it wasn’t a bad job - not that he really enjoyed it, day in and day out, but it wasn’t something he hated, either. 

Some part of him dreamed that, by the time he could finally save up enough, he’d have a place to live with Dean.

The other part of him knew he’d still be at his mother’s, Dean having left him long ago.

It was just something he’d started to accept. That this was temporary. That someday it would end. 

It hurt to think about, but he needed to be realistic. 

His phone beeped. A sweaty Cas had just gotten home from the bakery, feet sore. Last couple days, Dean had been texting him around this time. This time, at noon, and a little after he woke. It was always some variation of the same thing.

_“Don’t forget to eat, okay? Maybe eat a few extra bites for me?”_

Cas couldn’t deny it was a sweet gesture. Dean was an Alpha Wolf, it was in his blood to care for others, he couldn’t help himself.

Even if it ached to be reminded how hungry he was.

At the same time, though, Cas couldn’t bear to tell him to stop. It was so sweet.

_I don’t deserve him._

Dean was always giving and giving. And what did this dumb Cow do for him?

_Nothing._

Cas was just a burden to him, and he knew it. More than anything, he wanted to do something for Dean, to know he appreciated him, to pay him back for how wonderful he was…

So, Cas ate the couple extra bites. 

And he _hated_ himself for it.

So, today, he put off eating, so he wouldn’t have to deal with the dilemma at all, when the Cow’s phone beeped again.

_“ok if i come over later or ru busy?”_

Cas furrowed his brow. It was too late to take him for a date. Maybe Dean wanted to take him for a movie? Wait, no, it can’t be, it’s Tuesday, early day for Dean tomorrow. Besides, Cas was still a mess, needed to take a shower...

And pump. Cas could feel them getting full yesterday, but he’d put it off, and now they really ached.

_“You can come over but I can’t go out. I need to get ready for bed at 9.”_

‘Get ready for bed.’ Right. That’s _one_ way to word it.

_“thats fine! i have a surprise 4 you”_

Cas cocked his eyebrow. 

_A surprise?_

It didn’t take long for Cas to hear the familiar rumble of Dean’s muscle car pulling up to the driveway. Cas closed the book he’d been reading on his phone and got up to let him in.

“Hey, Cas!” Dean said, smiling big as he carried in a couple brown cardboard boxes.

“What’re those?”

“It’s the breast pump I said I’d get you - the one for the Impala? And some other things!”

“Oh,” Cas said, trying to sound excited while a stone dropped in his gut.

_Thank god Mom won’t be home until late._

“I can’t wait to show you!” Dean said, putting the boxes on the dinner table before turning to him. “You’ve got flour in your hair again.”

“Oh! Um…”

“No, no, don’t feel bad! It’s cute,” Dean said, ruffling the flour out of his hair. 

It felt really nice.

As Cas smiled at the gesture, Dean pulled out his pocketknife and deftly sliced the boxes open. 

“Here we go!” he said, pulling out a smaller box inside, a breast pump box. He made quick work of that, too. 

“Look at this!” He said, pulling a device out of the bag. “It’s not a big pump, or the most powerful, but it’s small and light and tough, good for travel or on-the-go needs. And look!” he said, pulling something else out: a bag of accessories, and- “It comes with a backpack! Look!” he said, puffing out the backpack and showing how the pump and accessories fit inside - with plenty of room to spare. “So you can carry it around and put extra things in it if you need! Oh, I tried to pick a pattern you’d like, is it okay? If it’s not, I can return it!” he said, handing it to Cas.

Overwhelmed, the Cow took it in his hands. It wasn’t heavy at all, and the backpack looked nice and soft and comfortable to wear. “It’s kinda girly,” he blurted.

“But that’s a pattern you like… right?” Dean said, ears starting to fall back.

Cas looked up at him, and down at the backpack. “Yeah, it is.” And he wasn’t lying. He did like the pattern. “How… how did you know?” _How did you know I liked cute patterns? I thought I hid that._

“We follow each other’s Pinterest, Cas,” Dean said with a grin.

_Oh. Right. I forgot._

“And look at these!” Dean said, quickly slicing open the second box, pulling out some… bras? “Ta-da! They’re breast pump bras! Look,” he said, fingers working at the nipple part. “There’s a slit where the… suction-cuppy part of the pump thing goes, and these hold it up so you have your hands free! And I made sure these were extra comfy!”

_Oh, they’re cute patterns, too._

“Um,” Cas said, overwhelmed at the sweet gestures, but taken aback at the subject matter of them all.

“Don’t worry if they’re the wrong size, I can just trade ‘em in! So next time you need to… y’know… tell me if I need to send them back!”

“Um,” _I don’t want to talk about this. I don’t want you to know about this. Know about **me**. _ “Bras are for girls. I’m not a girl.”

“I know that, sweetheart! These are just for when you’re pumping, that’s all. Then you can take ‘em off! Wouldn’t it be nice to have your hands free to do something else while you do your thing?”

“Yes…” Cas said, swallowing a dry lump as he took the four bras in his hands alongside the backpack.

_He’s so generous and sweet._

_But he doesn’t understand! I don’t want to talk about this!_

_Why are you so ungrateful?_

_I don’t know. I’m not a girl!_

Cas’s cheeks burned with shame.

“Hey, are you alright?”

 _Don’t be an ungrateful asshole!_ “Oh, I’m just tired from the long day.”

“You sure, sweetheart?”

Cas bit his lip, grabbing his tail. “Yeah.”

Dean didn’t seem convinced. “Did I do something wrong?”

_Yes._

_No! Never!_

“I…” Cas shook his head. “No, no, these are so nice, Dean. Thank you.”

Dean gave him a small smile, still worried. Then, he had an idea! Maybe this would help his sweet Cow feel better! “Oh! Have you eaten?”

_Oh, no._

_Say yes!_ “Uh, no, I haven’t, but it’s okay! I’ll just -”

“No, no, you’re the one having a hard time, I’ll warm something up for you, okay? Oh, look! There’s still a bit of steakhouse leftovers here! Okay if I warm that up, sweetheart?” 

“Uh... “ _Oh, that sounds sooo good…_ “Yes.” _Don’t give in!_ “But no, you don’t… have to…” Cas said as Dean raided his fridge.

“I know honey, but I _want_ to. I _want_ to make you feel better.”

_He’s so sweet._

_I wish he would stop._

_No, no! How dare you think that? This is better than you deserve!_

“I know you want to make me feel better, but… I don’t want to keep taking up so much of your life, or be a burden, y’know?”

“Cas, you aren’t a burden to me,” he said, expertly microwaving and baking the different components of the meal just so. 

_Oh, it smells so good…_

“A-aren’t _you_ going to eat?”

“I ate some before I got here.”

“It’s just, I don’t know if I’ll be able to eat all of that. Not hungry, y’know?”

“That’s okay! What you don’t eat we can re-box and reheat another day!”

_Dammit._

“How about we share it anyway?”

Dean looked over at him, a quizzical look on his face. “Anything you say, Cas.”

Before he knew it, Dean was done, even bothering to assemble the plate as nicely as he could - not as nice as the original, but pleasant nonetheless.

Cas stared at the plate in front of him, so hungry it felt like knives in his gut.

_Don’t eat, don’t eat, don’t eat. Trick him into eating it all._

“Aw, look at you, you must be so hungry!” Dean said, softly, as he sat opposite him at the small table. 

“N-no! I’m not, I was just thinking about stuff.”

“Oh, okay. It’s okay if you’re not hungry, sweetheart, but you need at least a _little_ supper!”

Before Cas could say anything, Dean had stabbed a piece of steak with his fork, making sure to proportion it with the right amount of blue cheese and garlic butter, and held it in front of Cas’s mouth.

“Omegas always come first!” he said with a big smile. Cas hid the fact that he wanted to cry all too well.

_He’s feeding me. I love it when he feeds me..._

_Oh no._

_It smells so good. I really want to eat it._

_Don’t do it._

_I’m so so hungry. Please, just a little._

_You’ve eaten so much!_

_I know I have, but Dean wants me to, and he’s being so sweet…_

_He doesn’t understand! He won’t do what you want him to, keeps just assuming what you want without fucking asking!_

_But he’s so sweet about it! And I don’t tell him **not** to…_

_That’s no excuse! He doesn’t understand what it’s like to have fucking tits that ruin your fucking life!_

_I’m so so hungry, though…_

_Stop it, you pathetic Cow!_

“Come on, Cas,” Dean said, sweetly. “It’ll make you feel better!” He grinned wolfishly. “Do you want me to use my Alpha Voice again?”

_No, no, please._

_Don’t give in!_

_But I’m so hungry…_

_He bought you bras! He thinks you’re a girl!_

_I’m not a girl._

_No! You’re just a stupid fucking Cow!_

_But my tummy feels so **empty** …_

“Cas, please?”

_So empty…_

“I mean,” Dean grinned, “You must be at least a _little_ hungry!”

...

Cas blinked.

...Then he snapped.

“Of _course_ I’m fucking hungry, Dean!” he shouted, slapping the fork away. “I’m _always_ hungry! Fuck, I’m so hungry sometimes I can’t even sleep!” He said, standing to his feet.

“Cas, I-”

“What, do you think I _like_ looking like a fucking dessicated _corpse_? _Like_ feeling weak and faint, _like_ hating myself every time I see my disgusting freakish body in the mirror? Did you ever think there was a _reason_ I don’t fucking eat?!”

“Cas-” Dean said, standing up, ears back.

“Oh, _now_ are you going to ask instead of just _assume_ something?” he said, unable to fight back tears. He shook his head, “You wouldn’t understand, you don’t know what it’s like to hate your own body like this, so much you’re scared to eat. Guess why! It’s my tits. It’s _always_ my fucking tits. The more I eat, the more milk I make, turning every day into a nightmare, wondering when they’ll leak and fucking _ruin_ everything like it did that day downtown! I hate it! I fucking hate it! I hate them, I hate them, I hate them…” 

He collapsed back into his chair, only just now noticing that he was starting shaking, that his cheeks and eyes were burning.

_Oh no._

Cas said, hands shaking uncontrollably.

_What have you done?_

“Cas, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…!”

He couldn’t control his breathing, starting to gasp for air.

_What have you done?!_

Cas buried his head in his hands and wept.

“I’m sorry, Dean, I’m sorry, I’m sorry!”

He barely noticed that he was standing again, pulled into Dean’s arms. “No, no, Cas, I needed to be told that, I’m so sorry, sweetheart. I’m so sorry.”

“No!” Cas shouted between sobs. “Stop it. Stop being so understanding, I’m not worth it. You’re so nice. I…” he said, looking back at the gifts. “Thank you so much for the pump and bras, they’re so nice - I’m so glad I have them, they’ll be so useful, I…” Cas said, sentence fading as Dean rubbed his back. 

“Cas, it’s okay, it’s okay. You don’t have to keep them if you don’t want to. I just want to make you happy, and I haven’t done that. I just barged right in, without thinking,” he said, voice breaking as he felt his heart shatter in his chest. “I’m so sorry.”

_I’m so sorry._

“I-I do want them…” Cas started to shake again. “And you were just trying to be nice. You’re always so nice. You do all this nice stuff for me, buy me things, make me dinner, and I blow up at you. I just fucking _yell_ at you. All I do is burden you, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, you’re so nice. You’re so nice and I don’t deserve you, Dean. I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t say that, Cas. Please don’t say that. You deserve the world,” he said, softly brushing his hand through Cas’s hair, rubbing his soft ears.

Cas just remained silent. _You wouldn’t say that if you knew._

Dean squeezed him a little tighter. “There has to be a way around the eating thing. You _need_ to eat, Cas. Starving yourself like this is _so bad_ for you, for your health, for your hair, for your teeth…” Dean said, recalling the images he’d seen while looking it up just the day before. “If there’s anything that can be done to make pumping easier until you can get them cut off, sweetheart, then we really need to do it. I…” he said, voice cracking again. “I just want you to be happy, to be healthy, I don’t want you to be hungry and weak. It breaks my heart, Cas. All I want is to help you. All I want is to take care of you, Cas,” he said, holding Cas even closer, like he was about to lose him. Like any day, Cas might just fade away. “Please let me take care of you.”

Cas sniffled as he was pulled in closer into the Wolf’s comforting embrace, surrounded by Dean’s comforting smell and big, warm arms. “I’m not worth your time, Dean,” Cas said, quietly. “You should just leave me before I hurt you again.”

“No, Cas, you’re worth _all_ of my time. Every second I spend with you is precious to me. I care about you. I worry about you.”

“No, please don’t. You can just leave, find someone else. You don’t have to deal with me. Worry about me.”

“But I _want_ to, sweetheart,” Dean said, warmly, rubbing the Cow’s back as he slowly calmed down. “I _want_ to care about you, worry about you.”

Cas sniffled again, resting his forehead against Dean’s warm chest. “I’m not worth it, Dean.”

“Oh, Cas, Cas,” Dean said, cupping his hand under the Cow’s chin, lifting his face to meet his gaze. Cas’s eyes were wet, nose red from his crying. It broke his heart. “You’re worth _everything_ to me. Every day I think about you and it warms my heart. I want nothing more than to care for you for the rest of my life. I…” he said, pulling his hand away and diverting his gaze, words catching in his throat. 

“I… I love you, Cas.”

Cas froze, heart stopped in his chest. 

_What…?_

_How… how could he love me? I’m mean and a burden and…_

_But he does._

_He loves me._

He loves me.

The Cow gripped Dean as tight as he could. “...I love you, too.”

Dean let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. His sweet Cow. His sweet, precious Cow. “We can figure out a way around the leaking thing, I know we can. Together we’ll figure something out, okay?”

“...Okay,” Cas whispered.

“In the meantime, you really do need to eat. If you don’t you could really mess your body up permanently. So please eat more, even if it’s just a little more than you have been - to stay healthy, okay? Just enough to stay healthy.”

Cas bit his lip. “I’ll try.”

“Okay, sweetheart. I know that must be so much for you, thank you so much. My sweet, gentle Cow,” he said, planting a soft kiss on top of Cas’s head. “Do you want start with a little steak - just a couple bites? Would that be okay?”

Cas nodded quietly as they both let go, Cas quietly sitting back at his place at the table. Dean put the fork on Cas’s plate, by his hand.

“However much you want to eat, sweetheart.”

___________________

Cas only ate half the food. Dean thanked him for that much and put the rest back in the styrofoam box, and back into the fridge. It wasn’t long after that Dean was giving him a soft, gentle kiss.

“Goodnight, my love. Get some rest, okay?” he said with a small smile as he walked out the door with the backpack pump, putting it in the trunk and driving away.

Despite his initial discomfort with Dean’s visit, now he couldn’t help but feel more lonely since he’d left. 

Castiel checked the clock. His mother wouldn’t get back from her errand for at least another hour.

Cas sighed, making his way to his bedroom, new bras in hand. He mindlessly grabbed pajamas from his dresser and hopped into a hot shower in the bathroom off his room.

After his shower, his breasts were _really_ starting to ache. Cas sighed as he resigned himself to what had to be done. Since his mother wasn’t home, he didn’t bother leaving the shower and vent on to hide the sound of the pump. Cas walked out of the bathroom wearing only boxer briefs and his pajama pants, as usual - before catching sight of the new bras Dean had bought him. 

Cas bit his lip in discomfort as he grabbed the topmost one. He took a breath for a moment as he unhooked it and tried it on, grateful that this was a front clasp - he’d heard how difficult back clasps were. 

He looked down at himself in the cute bra. He didn’t know how a properly fitted bra was supposed to look or feel, but it didn’t seem to be squeezing him anywhere. It was… actually really comfortable and soft.

Gathering his courage, he dared to look over at the dresser mirror to see himself. 

Instead of the flat chest he was used to, the bra lifted his breasts, made them perky, showed them off. 

He liked it.

_No, no! You’re a boy! Stop it!_

Cas blushed in shame. Burned red like he did every time he saw a cute dress, or skirt, or a little tail bow.

_“Hey, look at the girl!”_

_“Yeah, the little girl with girl tits!”_

_“Likes to pretend she’s a boy! Haha!”_

_“Do you think his tits feel the same as a girl’s?”_

_“Let’s find out! Come on little girl, show us your tits!”_

_“Hey! Look at him, running, the little bitch.”_

_“You sure do run like a girl! And cry like one, too!”_

_“Yeah! Cry little girl! Cry!”_

“I’m not a girl,” he whispered to himself, turning his head from the mirror, fists clenched.

“It’s okay, this is just for pumping. No one will see me in this,” he said quietly, taking a deep breath as he reached under his bed, pulling out the old pump he’d had since he was thirteen - its once-white casing yellowed with age. Before he could get it ready and turn it on, though, he remembered something.

“Oh!” he said, flailing to grab his phone and call Dean.

“Hey, Cas! Everything okay?”

“Yeah! Um. I just…” he said, grabbing his tail for comfort. “I wanted to tell you the bra fits nice.”

“Really? Awesome! Is it comfy?”

“Yeah,” Cas said, blushing. “It’s really nice,” he said, suddenly realizing something. “Oh no! I forgot it was a Tuesday! Did I wake you up?”

“No, uh, I was _about_ to go to bed, but you caught me before I did.” 

_About to go to bed? So Dean’s probably in his pajamas. Perhaps just a t-shirt and underwear._

_One layer._

“You?” Dean asked.

“Hmm?” 

“You about to go to bed?”

“Oh! Uh, I haven’t decided yet, but I uh…” he bit his lip as his breasts continued to ache painfully.

_I have to go._

“I have the bra on because I have to…”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

There was a short pause as Dean’s brain short circuited, all the blood suddenly rushing downwards. “Well, I hope the bras do good!” he said, trying to sound casual.

“Do good?” Cas asked with a giggle. 

_How does Dean make me feel better so quickly?_

“Uh, um, you know what I - what I mean,” Dean stuttered. “So, uh, whatcha gonna do, now that your hands are free? You know, to make the whole… pumping thing… more enjoyable?”

“Oh! Um. I dunno. I didn’t really think about it.”

“That’s okay! Um,” Dean said, trying to think straight. “You could like… play a game on your phone or computer or something, you could check your phone, you could browse the web, you could watch a video…” he said, drifting off as a filthy thought crossed his mind.

Dean took a deep breath. “You could touch yourself.”

Cas gasped. 

He clenched his thighs together, cheeks flushed. “I… haven’t done that in a while,” he said, voice breathy.

“I can help you,” Dean said, voice involuntarily lower.

Cas took a quick breath. “But it… usually took me about twenty-five minutes. Pumping is about eleven to thirteen,” Cas said, ducking his head, ears back.

Dean chuckled lowly, grinning at the thought of a time limit. “Don’t you worry. I’ll get you there.”

The Cow’s tail quivered at Dean’s deepened voice, his little hole starting to clench around nothing.

“I… I don’t know…” Cas said, mind racing as he tried to decide whether to go through with this or not.

And oh, he _did_ want to go through with it.

“You need some inspiration?” the Wolf’s said, impishly.

The Cow’s brow furrowed. “Inspiration?”

His phone beeped in his hand. Confused, Cas pulled his phone away, looking at it and clicking the message.

He cupped his hand over his mouth.

On the screen was a picture. It was of Dean in his nice little bathroom, shirtless. Cas had to identify him by the tattoo on his chest, though, because the Wolf’s face was out of frame. Instead, the focus aimed lower, at how the hem of his sweatpants was pulled down, displaying Dean’s hand wrapped around his tall, proud, thick cock, its head slighting pointed, revealing his Alpha status.

As if the size didn’t give it away enough.

Cas involuntarily let out a small whimper as slick gushed from his hole.

“ _Dean...!_ ” he breathed, scandalized.

“Like what you see?” Dean said, grin audible through the phone.

Cas bit his lip, clenching his thighs tighter. “Yes.”

Dean’s breath shook.

“D-does…” Cas said, cheeks burning at just the thought of his own words. “Does that mean you’re going to… _play along_ , too?”

The was a short pause as Dean’s cock twitched in his hand. “Do you want me to?”

“...Yes.”

Dean groaned. “Oh, fuck, Cas, I’m gonna make you come so hard.”

“Promise?” Cas said, allowing himself a smile.

Dean let out a moan. “Get the pump going.”

Castiel bit his lip, hands shaking as he grabbed one of the suction cups, fiddling with the tip of his bra to find the hidden slit. It took him a second, but once he had, it took very little effort to slip the suction cup end into it, setting it perfectly against his hard, aching nipple.

As he did the same to the other, a naughty thought crossed his mind. “If you’re going to order me around…” he took a breath, “you should use your Alpha voice.”

Dean let out an involuntary growl, deep in his throat. “As you wish,” he said, the harsh rumble of his voice making Cas quiver. “Turn it on.”

“Yes, Alpha,” he said, reveling in the sound Dean made in response. Shaking, the Cow put the phone down, turning it to speaker. He reached over, taking a breath before switching the pump on. Immediately, it started on the familiar rhythm, pinching his sensitive nipples. “O-okay,” he said, trying to keep his voice steady.

“Run your hands up and down your body, your shoulders, your sides, your stomach.”

Cas shut his eyes, nodding unconsciously as he did as he was told, feeling his own body beneath him, feeling himself breathe, his soft skin beneath his fingertips. It felt… nice. 

Unfortunately, part of him was still enveloped in trying to ignore the familiar sound of pumping.

The other part was engrossed in imagining these were Dean’s hands instead of his own.

“Now your legs and thighs.”

The Cow bit his lips, letting his hands run down lower, over the softness of his pajama pants. He took a second to look down and think a moment before pulling them off. Cas slid his hands down the outside of his thighs, the inside, the front, the back. Unconsciously, as he did so, his hands drew closer to the growing wetness between his thighs.

It felt… _really_ nice.

“Place a hand firmly against your cock.”

Cas let out a soft gasp, shakingly doing as told, feeling the warmth of his hand and the fabic of his boxer briefs rubbing against his cock and little balls, making him jump.

“Does that feel nice?”

“Yes, Alpha.”

“Push harder.”

Cas did as ordered, biting his lip at the slight sting of the fabric dragging across the head of his cock.

“Are you hard, baby?”

Cas shook, feeling how stiff he was against the palm of his hand.

“Y-yes.”

“Run your fingers along it. Feel how hard you are.”

The Cow whimpered. Shyly, he allowed his fingers to brush along his short length through the boxer briefs, hips twitching at the feeling of his own hand.

“How hard are you?”

“So hard it hurts, Alpha…”

“Pull it out.”

Cas’s finger slid under the hem of the boxer briefs, hooking them down under his balls as his little cock sprung up.

His hole clenched around nothing.

“Are you wet, baby?”

“Y-yes.”

“Reach down to your hole - just the outside.”

His hand reached down, just the feeling of his fingers brushing his rim making his hips buck. He could feel his rim contracting in rhythm with his heartbeat, desperate to be filled.

_I feel so empty…_

“How wet are you?”

“M-my hand is so wet… I feel empty, Dean…”

“Shhh, shh, sweetheart. Soon,” he said, soothingly. “Stroke your cock with your wet hand.”

Though he didn’t want to, more than anything he wanted to do as Dean told him, so he pulled his hand away, whimpering at the loss. Gingerly, his slick-wet hand approached his small, hard cock, feeling it twitch at just a brush of his fingers. But, obediently, he continued, making himself fully grasp it, whole body shaking at the feeling. At last, slowly, he started pumping his wet hand up and down, panting in time with his hands.

Suddenly, Cas heard a soft, steady sound over the phone. Dean let out quiet moans in rhythm with it.

_Fuck._

_He’s touching himself._

Unconsciously, Cas’s hand quickened on his own cock. 

It’d been so long since Cas had allowed himself to enjoy himself - instead of the hate that had become so ordinary. He didn’t realize how much he craved these touches, this pleasure.

There was only one way it could be better… but he didn’t dare let Dean see him like this.

“Faster.”

Cas keened as he obeyed. “D-Dean…” Cas said, squeezing his cock harder, the feeling of his channel pulsing within him. “I’m so empty, Dean…!”

“Okay, baby,” Dean said, voice strained and deepend from pleasure. “You’ve earned it. Go slower. With the other hand, reach down and touch your rim.”

It was clenching, soaking wet with slick, aching with need. 

“Slide a finger in. All the way.”

Cas gasped as his hole eagerly took it down to the knuckle, squeezing his finger, other hand quickening on his cock.

“Find your little prostate, Cas.”

The Cow bit his lip, searching with his finger inside his tight little hole.

At a certain touch, Cas’s hips suddenly bucked beneath him, drawing a soft whine from his lips.

“There it is,” Dean groaned, the rhythm over the phone steadily quickening. “Slide in another finger.”

His rim was tight, but as Cas worked the tip of his finger in, it didn’t take long before his hungry hole took it as far in as it could go. 

Cas couldn’t help but whimper with every panting breath he took.

“Rub your little prostate in rhythm with your cock.”

Cas whined at the feeling, legs drawing up closer, gasping for air, goaded on by the now very quick pumping he could hear over the phone, Dean’s breathing now low and deep.

“A-are you getting close, Cas?” he said, voice shaking.

“Y-yes!” Cas said, starting to feel the familiar warmth low within him.

“Fuck, so am I, fuck…” he said, panting hard. “I can’t yet, though.”

“Why?” The Cow asked between breaths.

A low chuckle. “Because,” he said, voice rumbling so Cas could feel it in his channel. “Omegas always come first.”

Cas gasped at the words, feeling them deep within, in his channel, in his cock. A deep pleasure from within him, sparking through him, down his legs, squeezing his channel, making his little cock twitch in his hands. Cas cried out, feeling it pulse in his hand, in rhythm with his channel’s tightness, warm spurts dripping onto his belly. “Dean…!” 

“Fuck, Cas!” Dean groaned over the phone, low grunting growls following it up.

Cas smiled at the sound.

_I made him come._

The Cow quivered on his bed, unaware that he had lain down, just letting the aftershocks pulse through him. His hand was still around his cock and in his channel, loathe to leave them. The rhythm of the pump, usually so cruel and humiliating, now mercifully let him gently drift off into contented bliss.

“Fuck…” Dean breathed quietly, panting, leaning back against the tank. He shuddered as another wave of his orgasm crashed over him.

_God, it’s been so long since I came this hard…_

He moaned softly as he shuddered again.

The Wolf blinked his eyes open, ears cocking in confusion. His orgasm wasn’t supposed to last like this unless…

“Fuck, Cas, you made me pop a knot,” he said, looking down at his dick, still pumping come with every wave of pleasure, knot full and firm.

“...Don’t Alphas always pop knots?” a breathy voice asked.

Dean grinned as pleasure shot through him again. “Usually not unless it’s inside something,” he said, taking a second to gasp for air.

After a moment, though, he heard Cas’s shy, quiet voice from the phone still on the counter.

“Can I see?”

_Holy shit._

“Oh, Cas,” Dean said as just the words made his cock pump harder, pleasure coursing through his veins. “Anything for you, babe,” he said, picking up the phone with his clean hand and hanging up, swiping to video mode. “See?” he said, aiming the camera at his cock, still twitching in his lube-wet hand, come dripping down his fingers. He moved the frame up, showing off the thick drops he’d shot on his chest and stomach - making sure to suck in his belly. “You see this?,” he said, moving it back to his cock, shaking as another wave crashed against him. 

“This is what you do to me.”

Dean bit his lip, blushing at the video he’d just made. Before he could talk himself out of it, he sent it.

Part of him hoped it wouldn’t make it.

 _“gotta get another shower. gnight babe. love you,”_ he texted quickly, the last two words warming his heart. He kicked off his pajama pants and made himself stand despite his post-knot weakness. 

As he turned on the water, waiting for it to get hot, he did his best to keep his cock up, to keep all his come on his hand, his belly. His legs and tail shook at another shot of pleasure.

 _Beep, ba-deep!_ His phone whistled at him. 

Dean reached over to grab it swiping to see what Castiel had replied.

He nearly had a heart attack when he saw, his cock twitching hard in his hand.

It was a photo of Cas’s belly, dotted with come, his small cock peeking up from the bottom of the frame.

_“Thought I’d return the favor. <3”_


End file.
